From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
