Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
