I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
