My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Go christen that room with your naked body.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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