found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
