If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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