I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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