its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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