You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
