Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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