I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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