Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize