Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
