Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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