So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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