Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
