Kiss
Puke
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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