Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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