I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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