I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
