tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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