Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
