I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
