also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
