My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Who died my cat blue again?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize