im having a threesome with these popsicles
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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