Sacagawea was the original milf.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
