I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
