the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
