Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He passed out mid-signature
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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