Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
