This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
