just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
