im drinking this country out of the recession.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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