i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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