your room smells of hookers.
And success
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
