don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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