dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
