I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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