I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
