Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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