wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
