so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
