I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
No I am not eating basil off your cock
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I think my moral compass just broke
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