He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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