When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
