Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
