I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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