the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
