I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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