i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
