I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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