so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
