hotel room ftw
grandma shit on top of the toilet
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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