My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
