he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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