Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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