i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
