let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
me + whiskey = a bad person
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize