i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
