I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
