y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
